stuff.

Sometimes I feel guilty for not have wanted see friends for a while. Yet, when I'm down and I feel incredibly lonely I wish they would come and say hello. A simple, how are ya? or even a spontaneous. let's hang out. It doesn't happen. it makes me feel less loved. and it makes me miss my family. and it makes me realize with greater urgency how friends will always wither away. even those you thought were good friends. even the one's you thought you meant something to.yet im a pessimist i suppose. because friends you never expected do come and say hello. but does everything wither away?. i miss my family. I miss their hugs and kisses. I miss hugs. yet. part of growing up is knowing that we should let things go. we need to let things that want to leave, leave.

today.

When I was left alone and standing. I stood there in the precipice. The edge. The margin. The end. No.  not ready to jump. because I've already jumped. many. many times. I jumped. Bent. Broken. jigsaw puzzles unable to fit back together.  It's been done. Tragic. It feels like a pit is in your throat and you are about to implode with tear gas coming out of your mouth. Tears burning down your cheek. Silently. it happens that way. it's always been since you can rememeber. Sitting. or laying. on your bed. or leaning against the door of your bedroom. The portal that brought you joy, darkness, and solace. So life today isn't good. but today, at least today you decided not to jump. You decide to take the long road this time. it might not be ok. but at least you didn't jump. at least you didn't break. at last. you coiled your fingers around this life. at last. You begin to tell yourself. hey. it's been a while. smile inside for you. for yourself. no one else. 

Time.

my parent. My mom. and brother. My life left today. I feel strange. But also ok. I cried. I cried before she left. I have tears in abundance. It's time. To rewrite many things. First. I'll start with my name.  It's time to rewrite things. to find peace. finally. peace.

(old draft)