I drove past you today. I drove past
your remains on the highway. It was you who sat there, silently. You sat loudly
next to me, screaming at me. Leave. Please. Leave. Now. I heard you from a mile
away. I heard you push me away. It was inevitable suffering. They say I do this
to myself. It’s everything I wanted, maybe more. How could it be what I wanted…
when all I did was… never mind it’s useless. It’s inevitable that the cut will
go deep. It’s almost branded. I have your name branded in my soul. And every
day of my life, I still find myself comparing you to everyone one I meet. No
one made me as happy as you did. God. I can’t believe it’s come back to this
again. Today. On a night that should be a cause for celebration. Yet. I saw you
on the highway today and I passed your remains, sitting on that squeaky clean
seat of yours.
This time, you can engulf me in your
stare. That stare that I was so timid to accept. I was scared. No - undecided.
Selfish. Oh god. It’s like I’m that “crazy girl” you’ll tell your friends about
one day. That psycho that wrote you some long, weird email. I can’t bring myself to open it again, to ever
read it. I can’t bring myself to delete it. I cannot delete some of the emails.
Even if they seem insignificant, they mean so much to me in my insignificant
time on this earth. It’s insignificant really this pit in my eyes.
All those ignored messages. Why? Why did you
just ignore me? Was that the answer ? I cannot accept it, I never will. Yet.
I’ve come to accept the silence. A resounding, I’m sorry it’s too late, please
leave me alone, would have sufficed. I didn’t know that’s how nice it was to be
with a person that made you stronger, and accepted your many flaws. See, you
didn’t dissect me. I know you didn’t. I did. And it was my mistake, of many. After
you left,
you
made me stronger, and maybe more secure in myself. It was like a marathon, it
felt like it would never end. I had many aches and pains, but I finished the
run without you by my side. I was waiting for you, to hold the poster at the
end saying (screaming) “I love you too!
I always did! And I miss you too!” Yet the only thing that met at the end was
empty satisfaction that I finished alone. No. But listen. I know that I don’t
want to be a damsel in distress. To many times, in the past, I dreamed of that
possibility. Of having my dreams just out of my reach when the knight will
swing down from some invisible precipice, and sweep me in his arms. Too many
times, my mind scratches on that scene now. I try to rewind it, but I can’t
visualize it anymore. It’s more like a kaleidoscope where all the imagery
merges and becomes an indistinguishable part from the other. I want to rewrite
my dreams. Dreams where I can save myself. My mind won’t remember all those
memories, yet they refuse to leave. And where there was tenderness once, there
will always remain.
Except if I see you I can’t promise to
be okay. Don’t worry. No hysterics. Just a nod and half a smile. A bit to
sentimental perhaps. I’ll return to my usual self. Now, I can finally leave you alone. Thanks
scotch tape for the many sweet little memories. It’s time I finally let you
live in peace. Foremost, it’s time I give my
heart a break, it’s been too long.
Best.
Vanessa
