Monday, August 20, 2012

In other news. Music.

Frank Ocean Foreva ~

I failed again.

I've been in a kind of haze. It almost seems this way ever since - wait, never mind that. But quite simply, I've let things consume me. My problems have handed me over all beaten with soft bruises still enveloping my whole body. I've lost my way, what ever little I had, with words. I think the little downturn of my eyes seem to want to stay there permanently. To top it off, anxiety has gotten the best of me, and I can't be with people for long without feeling like my heart is gonna explode. It's a scary feeling. One minute I'm fine, and the next I feel like running out on everyone, I gasp to breathe and I start to jitter.

"I can see the sadness in your eyes." I was stunned. Really? When I've tried my best too seem upbeat and cheerful, whenever I posted in social mediums, besides those others that anyone hardly knows about, I've always been pretty upbeat and never really posted anything sad or meaningful to my personal life. You should see all my pictures, they scream of happiness. I mean. Really.

It's a constant struggle with improving myself, fighting against myself, and attempting to save my mom from completely destroying herself. It can really do a number on your state of mind when your mom's words sear through your heart and  make you fear for her safety. You no longer feel responsible for yourself, but you again go back to being the mom. I have three people to take care of, again. Graduate school seems like a far away dream that I can't go to.

 I'm my mother's keeper, if I leave, my brother will too, and then whose going to take care of her? She certainly cannot. She keeps her mind back to past where therein lies hurt, ugliness, deception, and lies. She can't see past that, and it's with that that I'm attempting to lose whatever past grudges and hurts of held on to all these years. Here is where the hardest part comes up, I have to forgive my mom for everything that she had done both intentionally and not. I need to see past all of those things.

It's so difficult. It's time I let people in my life. Every time i've said this I've never actually acted upon this proposal. Let me try this again.