Wednesday, January 9, 2013

I am a lover without a lover.
I am lovely and lonely. 
I belong deeply to myself.
warsan shire


I've been attempting for a while now. To let go of those things I've realized I have to let go of people. Those very people that encourage what I despise in myself. It's a struggle. Sometimes, I need to meditate.
I run now.
It keeps me sane.
I am healthier.
Sort of.
My breathing is still irregular, and my heart still palpitates abnormally.

I need to delete my facebook. it makes me feel lonelier, tinier, insignificant. Yet I don't know why I still keep it.
 I want to belong deeply to myself. It's making rough mistakes. But I've learned that is better to be alone than with bad company. It's hard going back to that place. I remember I made some of the best decisions when I followed my own path. Oh, but the loneliness that stuck to me like honey. Sweet. Yet, it would sting sometimes. Hm. I need to go back to that place. I think maybe this time I am more prepared. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Oh Woman.

Your ______ birthday is coming up.

I had nothing to say. Nada que decirle. 

The last time I saw him I was saddened. To call his wife 'woman' in such a condescending manner. To treat her like a child. Regardless of how he felt she should act. 

"Oh woman. Those are nothing but material things. They do not matter. " *Yet this sentence probably tells you nothing. You had to be there to feel the intonation in his voice, and his mannerisms. His actions. The context.

And while I agree with the notion about material things, there are some things that you do need to survive. Clothes. Books. Are these not material things that are necessary? 

I couldn't see him again after. It wasn't so much that sole utterance, but  actions that accumulated that fateful winter break. 

It hasn't been the same since. 

And oh how lonely it felt to not have someone, an adult, to talk to and confide to as I did with him. Yet, I've grown up so much from the pain.